Saturday, September 29, 2007

Called to "Prepare for More"

I stepped outside into the cool night air. The campus was dark and silent, and I felt a gentle stir in my soul; a prompting to simply walk and listen as the Lord would speak. I began to praise God in my heart as I walked back and forth leisurely on the sidewalk, recalling all that He had done for me; where He had brought me; where He had placed me. Tears began to pour down my face as my casual strolling became an intense pacing, and the words in my heart flowed seamlessly from my lips. I walked before the Lord and declared my unworthiness to be where I was, doing what I was doing. I was unworthy to be working for Him, to be serving Him. Working for this Man that had pulled me from a life of shame, a life of failure, a life of defeat and regret. As I traveled the sidewalk back and forth, weeping, such heaviness descended upon me. It was a pressing weight, with fervency and an urging, and I could not only hear the things that God was speaking to me, but I felt them strongly, like a fiery branding upon the heart. I felt God’s touch on my life. I felt the unmistakable finger pressing hard upon my heart;

“I’ve chosen you.

I’ve picked you out.

I set you apart.

I called you.”

The weight was so immense and there was no other inclination in me, but to accept it; to bear it completely; to yield to it and surrender. So many times before it has not been that way. I have heard the call. I have heard His voice speaking to me,

“Becky, I have called you”

But I’ve walked away from it, shaking my head.

“It’s ridiculous that God would call me.”

God has grabbed hold of me and held me down in the midst of it, but I have kicked and screamed.

“I want nothing to do with it!”

Others have stood before me, declaring their recognition of it on my life, and I have turned my eyes.

“It’s silly to believe He would desire me.”

I have chosen to run an impressive number of times, and it has always followed me; always hounded me. But tonight… tonight I didn’t just hear it, or see it, or have it pointed out to me. Tonight I felt it. I felt the weight of a calling resting itself upon me and all that I could do was accept and sob at my unworthiness. Tonight, the tasks that I perform for Him presently, that seem so enormous, became miniscule as God spoke so firmly to my heart.

“Give them everything you’ve got and get ready… more is coming.”

I hear it over and over, and I feel it press harder and harder…

“More is coming, more is coming, more is coming.”

I feel the urgency wrap around my shoulders like a heavy cloak, and more effort must be exerted to walk under it. I feel the burning sensation rising up, as one word goes over and over inside…

“You… you… you… It’s you…”

My mind does not gather what the call is, but I feel a powerful expectancy from God to rise up and prepare myself, for “more.” I weep, thinking about the ‘you’ He is calling. The ‘you’ is a 19-year-old girl and pretty rough around the edges. The ‘you’ is the epitome of lifetime failure. The ‘you’ hasn’t been living in victory for very long at all. The ‘you’ has been known to fall flat on her face, and frequently. The ‘you’ is Becky… Becky Nichols… and only God can fully understand the depth that the discredit goes. Still that pressing weight is there, and it rests itself upon shoulders that are undeserving. That call is placed on a life that is unqualified to fulfill even the smallest tasks that are set before it now. That life allows the weight to fall so heavily upon her and that life is ready to accept the challenge that God has given her, to “prepare for more.”

Becky Nichols, Tuesday, September 25, 2007, 12:46 AM